It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.