My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You Might Also Like
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
When I pack too much for a short trip.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.