@TheCiscoKidder: It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
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@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*
@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
@TheAlexNevil: It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
@Hella_Rad: sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don't think they're ugly or something