It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My daily affirmation
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.