Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.