“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”