Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My love language is deader than Latin
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Every work meeting this week