ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
even bears disappoint their mothers
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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