I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.