judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?