Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sponch
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.