@ActingAnEejit: It's illegal to tie your children to things but you can basically do the same by buying them a phone with a short charger and a bad battery.
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@XGroverX: Wait one second "Mario Brothers" Implies that Luigi's name is Luigi Mario and Mario's name is Mario Mario....What is this I'm smoking again?
@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
@Flattliner: I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.