@GrantTanaka: It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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@DaHess1: Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.
@Try2StopME: Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
@Fat_Jalbert: Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect
@Prof_Hinkley: I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that's just how she laughs