@GrantTanaka: It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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@bridger_w: If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
@VodkaThursday: Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@pleatedjeans: [1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO