This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You Might Also Like
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
the Monday after daylight savings
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!