@Darlainky: "It's important to remember Snitches get stitches", I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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@veggiefemme: A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
@1_swarthy_dude: Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
@Staggfilms: HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes? CLOWN: They hide under people's beds and murder them?
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.