“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Morning my dudes.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher