“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me My dog
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”