It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I see your IQ test came back negative
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.