It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
how long have you had this for?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.