It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”