It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones