“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.