Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
This fish is cracking me up
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
best review i’ve ever seen
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’ll be mad as hell!
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Breaking news:
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.