Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”