giddy up Office Depot
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[eulogy]
line?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.