@GregDorris: It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.
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@TheToddWilliams: [Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day
@jwoodham: When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
@thatUPSdude: [1st date] Would it be odd if someone brought their cat on a date? Her: Very, what's in the box? Nothing, waiter cancel that can of tuna