It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*