It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me