It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Do not steal food from the science building!
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.