It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart