I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
So glad we cleared that up
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.