crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
At least try to make it slightly believable
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield