@TitaniumToplass: It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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@kelkulus: The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA's. It's surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
@KalvinMacleod: HER: it’s over between us ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns? HER: I thought you would stop ME: sew it seamed
@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*