It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
car not found
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then