When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The best plant holders?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
2022: I can fix it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Worlds greatest photobomb
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.