My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down