It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.