It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Called it
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.