It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*sewing*
A thread
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
had to make it
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”