Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
is this a warning or an offer?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁