It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
They’re the worst 😩