It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Monday?
No. Next question.