It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
This fish is cracking me up
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .