It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
They got Raph!
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
✌🏽
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.