It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.