i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.