It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Cat.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?