*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.