It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
This is my bus stop.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
my first dose meeting my second
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN