It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.