Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.