It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
im 7 sauces long
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Herpes is trending, good job people
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.