It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Whoa 😂
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.