Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week